So, there are times when I feel the nearly-irresistible urge to say something so heinous and shocking that it makes whoever I’m in the room with shut the fuck up.
Prof: Freud says you want to sleep with your father!
Prof: But you do! You just don’t know you do.
Me: Nah, been there, done that. ‘M over it.
Middle-Aged Suburban Housewife: It was so terrible, the pneumonia. It was awful, having to be admitted to the hospital. I was so glad they let me go home that night, but the antibiotics were terrible, and I just hated what they did to my body.
Me: Try being hooked up to IV antibiotics, and then having to re-learn how to walk because you nearly died. Then we can talk.
Middle-Aged Amateur Carpenter: My wife had to chase me down and sit on me to get the splinter out of my hand.
Me: I lied there fully conscious and unsedated while the doctor shoved a big-ass needle into my eye, and you’re freaked out over a splinter?
Random Classmate: I could never do [heinous/illegal/terrible thing]!
Me: I bet money that if someone threatened you or the life of your little brother, you’d find that you could.
Phone: *rings for the umpteenth time*
Me: Karl’s Sex Toy Emporium, how can I help you?
Of course, the hilarious bit is that my brother is pretty much the same. Snippet of a conversation that’s actually happened:
Teenage Boy: *makes a “your mom” joke*
Will: Yeah, my mom’s dead.
Teenage Boy: *flounders* I’m sorry.
Will: I’m sure you are. That’s why you made that joke in the first place, right?
I think this goes without saying, but as we live in a world of rampant asshattery, please allow me to state for the record: this is my intellectual property. As such, please do not copy, circulate, edit, alter, take credit for, or otherwise appropriate this material without my express permission. Thank you.