The Zombie Shuffle

I am not a morning person. Shocking, I know, since I’ve ranted about being nocturnal before. But, well. It’s more than that.

When I sleep, I sleep hard. I sleep like the fucking dead. Anything short of an actual emergency isn’t even going to register as a blip on my radar when I’m out cold. I’ve slept through house parties, car alarms, alarm clocks, telephone calls, screaming matches — you name it, and I’ve probably slept through it. And while this makes sleeping around inconsiderate carbon-based life forms easier, it also makes transitioning¬†between states of consciousness kind of, well . . . I refer to my “waking up” routine as “The Zombie Shuffle” for a reason.

I wake up confused. Anything said to me before I have actually hauled ass out of bed gets eaten by the trash compacter in my brain. Retrieval is not nearly as safe or efficient as simply repeating whatever it was that you wanted me to know.

That first cup of tea is vital. Everyone I live with knows better than to talk to me before I have the first cup of tea in me. Well. Tea and/or breakfast. Because I tend not to like humanity much when I’m feeling distinctly zombiesque, in part because I greatly dislike feeling undead, but also because I’m totally down for trying out the zombie-diet until I’m reminded why that’s a bad idea. (It’s a pretty standard list: the level of clean-up required. Prion disease. The fact that brain matter has a distinctly slimy texture.) Also, I’m not touchy-feely upon waking for similar reasons. It’s usually best to hold off and let me initiate contact — like letting the wild and potentially-chomp-happy wild animal come to you when it feels safe.

In short: Death to mornings! All hail tea, the saviour of civilization and my floors! (I know, I know, my British is showing.)

I think this goes without saying, but as we live in a world of rampant asshattery, please allow me to state for the record: this is my intellectual property. As such, please do not copy, circulate, edit, alter, take credit for, or otherwise appropriate this material without my express permission. Thank you.

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