Ruby and I . . . yeah. Wow. When we get together, interesting things happen. For instance:
We broke our previous record. The other night, we talked on Skype for five hours and forty-two minutes, blowing the previous record (four hours and thirteen minutes) to smithereens.
We added to the BFF Bucket List — the things that we will do together before we leave the Earthlings to mourn our absence.
We agree that my life is the Baskin Robbins of crazy, and that the sheer number of stories and outrageous things I say probably deserve their own book deal or television show. (I admit, I feel pretty flattered by that, even if I have had that thought before. Knowing that this idea is not merely a product of my own narcissism is reassuring.)
We have also come to the conclusion that the term “best friend” just doesn’t quite cut it for us. In the almost three years that we’ve been friends, we’ve gotten so close that, well . . . yeah. Trying to picture our lives without the other in it just doesn’t work. So, it’s official: Ruby and I are life partners.
(Note to Milady: you’re still the love of my life, and Ruby being my life partner doesn’t change that. Her and I are two halves of the same brain. You and I are different, but just as precious — despite Ruby’s assertion that no matter who comes into my life romantically, “I was here first!“)
I also broke her. Ruby laughed so hard that she couldn’t breathe and pulled muscles in her lovely face. The laughter might have been my fault. Maybe. I was therefore told “You broke my goddamn face, bitch!” (I laughed. Hard. In between apologies, of course.) And we came up with an explanation for when her roomies ask her why she’s massaging her face at breakfast: “I was talking with my best friend/life partner and laughed so hard I strained something — it wasn’t that I was giving blowjobs.”
The Skype call ended not because it was nearly 5am here in Canada, but because if she made me laugh any more, I would have pissed myself. And because she had class the next morning. (Luckily for her, the two-hour time difference was in her favour last night.)
I think this goes without saying, but as we live in a world of rampant asshattery, please allow me to state for the record: this is my intellectual property. As such, please do not copy, circulate, edit, alter, take credit for, or otherwise appropriate this material without my express permission. Thank you.