. . . because, seriously, sometimes I ask myself “What is my life?” There are days when I wonder where the camera crew is, because there’s no way [x] just happened.
This is one of those stories.
So, a few weeks ago, I was in the car with Alex and a (male) friend of his. Somehow, as we were driving along, the topic turned my state of lesbianness and male anatomy. Friend-of-Alex seemed to think that, because I get all a-twitter for lady parts, I will have some sort of difficulty saying the word “penis”. When I asked him if he was serious, he indicated that he was.
Thus, I leaned sideways in the front seat (so he could see me in the back) and said, quite clearly, “PENIS!”
Alex asked me if I needed to yell “penis” inside his car. (To be fair, I didn’t actually mean for it to come out as loud as it did.) I replied, “I was a making a point. So, yes.”
And then Friend-of-Alex starts muttering that maybe I only had the nerve to say it the once. Of course, I promptly went, “Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. Are we done now?”
As the answer was in the affirmative, the subject was summarily dropped. Had the answer been in the negative, I would have begun reeling off the following: prick, dick, cock, balls, popping wood, springing a stiffy, rubbing one out, choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, paddling the pink canoe, one-on-one with Henry Longfellow, bludgeoning the goblin, pulling one off, etc. If I’d really wanted to push it, I could even have gone all nerdy on him with medically-accurate terminology — because I do have three Health Studies courses under my belt, and I’m not afraid to use ’em. But, science courses aside, I’m an English major for fuck’s sake. There’s not a week that goes by without discussing sex, sexuality, phallic imagery, semen, breasts, or a womb in class. Thus, I would think it obvious that there is really nothing so shocking, shameful, sexual or foul that it won’t come out of my mouth, but apparently some people need proof.
The best part? At the time, I was only mildly offended. It only struck me as an odd conversation in retrospect. *head-desk*
I think this goes without saying, but as we live in a world of rampant asshattery, please allow me to state for the record: this is my intellectual property. As such, please do not copy, circulate, edit, alter, take credit for, or otherwise appropriate this material without my express permission. Thank you.