So, my best friend Ruby often asks me why she doesn’t appear in my blog more often. And, well, I can kind of see why: She’s my best friend, but she doesn’t pop up on here much.
And I’ve tried explaining that I’m kind of pulling a “my precious!” and just don’t want to share her with the world at large, but she still has a completely legit point.
So, Ruby, here is a short list of why you’re awesome that the whole world can (and should) know:
1) For us, yelling “Marbles!”, “Teddy bear!”, and “The world’s not ending!” at each other are forms of affection.
2) She keeps a running list of all the outrageous and hysterical things I say in our conversations.
3) She sent me Montana Moose Poop!
4) She is someone I can literally tell anything to.
5) We can talk forever. Our record: a 4-hour, 13-minute long Skype conversation.
6) She boldly marches in to take charge of things when I’m having an atypically flustered moment.
7) No matter what kind of shitty mood I’m in, she always makes me laugh.
8) She managed to catch and transfer a butterfly onto my person when I pouted that I couldn’t persuade one of the winged things to be friends with me.
9) I have a particular photo of her in a particular hat that she still has not forgiven me for, and which makes the fact that she gave me the photo all the more amusing. And which, heh, also kinda explains why she sent me moose poop.
10) Despite the fact that few people in my life will go toe-to-toe with me, Ruby is not afraid to get in my face and tell me the things I need to hear, or kick my ass if I need it. (It was only in the last couple months that she told me to shut the fuck up–and lived to tell the tale.)
11) Despite how mushy she might sound from this list, she is actually allergic to mush. In point of fact, my sentimentality has made her break out in hives more than once.
12) We are convinced that we share at least half a brain, thanks to alien experimentation.
13) She maintains that, depending on the day, she is 87 – 94% human.
14) Despite the fact that I am actually a few years older, Ruby always manages to make me feel like the little sister of this outfit.
15) We have decided that we will take over the world. Because something must be done about the idiots currently running things.
16) She has a fantastic way with words and trots out dazzling metaphors off the cuff.
17) We both, as Ruby puts it, are in training to become “professional bitches”.
18) We make sincere, sometimes truly bizarre, attempts to keep each other sane. (Because the world might not survive otherwise.)
So, there. Happy now, Ruby? Am I allowed to go back to loving you creepily and possessively now?
I think this goes without saying, but as we live in a world of rampant asshattery, please allow me to state for the record: this is my intellectual property. As such, please do not copy, circulate, edit, alter, take credit for, or otherwise appropriate this material without my express permission. Thank you.