So, I love Hero. She’s honestly one of my favourite people. This is, in part, because she is my partner in (ridiculous) crime. To see what I mean, here are some of the things that have happened when we “go on adventures”:

1) Roadrunner
We were in the dollar store, and the employee was trying to sweep away all the ice and snow people were tracking in. But she couldn’t, because people were oblivious to her presence. Hell, I only noticed because Hero made a little noise as she moved to the side. So when I realized that other people were oblivious, and this poor woman was just going to stand there until they all clued in, I pulled a Roadrunner and mee-meep!-ed loud enough that the entire store heard me. They moved.

2) We’re Off to See the Wizard
It was an ordinary trip to the pharmacy, to pick up something I needed. And then Hero and I spontaneously started skipping down the aisles, arms linked, while she sang an . . . interesting variant of “We’re Off to See the Wizard”. Alex, who was there, stood at the top of aisle and asked “Is this real life?”

3) Dorothy, Eat Your Heart Out
Hero and I in Wal-Mart. Good God. The last time we went, we walked away with matching pairs of black sparkly pumps–from the kid’s section. Size two, in case you were wondering. Because we are both just that small.

4) Marco Polo
At the dollar store yesterday, I lost her. Again. Because Hero wanders. So rather than waste fifteen minutes going all over the store looking for her, I just hollered “Marco!” The corresponding “Polo!” let me find her in a minute flat. I plan on using this method the next time we go somewhere and she wanders away from me. It’s so much more efficient than an extend-a-leash.

5) The Laws of Physics Need Not Apply
On our way out of the clinic parking lot (where Hero had graciously agreed to take me to my appointment), we pulled up to the parking gadget, and Hero complains that she can never reach to put the money/token/ticket in. I, attempting to be helpful, commented that Alex couldn’t reach either when he took me last week. Hero turns, looks at me, and says, “That’s it. Challenge accepted.” She undoes her belt, rolls down her window all the way, and proceeds to hoist her entire body out of the car. I mean, her ass was out the window! She paid the robot, and then broke the laws of physics by somehow getting herself back in the car, all on her own. (I was, of course, standing by to offer assistance should she require it.) The guy behind us in line (a complete stranger!) even told her “Well done!”.

The best part? Once back in the car, she says, “I’m gonna have to let you pay for parking more often so I can do that again!”

6) I Set Her On Fire.
No, really. I did. Intentionally. Because she asked me to. And because we’re both pyros like that. (She’s fine, I swear.)

So, yes. Hero and I? So much wonderful insanity.

I think this goes without saying, but as we live in a world of rampant asshattery, please allow me to state for the record: this is my intellectual property. As such, please do not copy, circulate, edit, alter, take credit for, or otherwise appropriate this material without my express permission. Thank you.

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