Bring On The Gigglefits

So, Liz and I just got back from spending a few days of winter break with Auntie Dude and Cousin Sparky. As usual, I was in danger of dying from spasmodic gigglefits brought on by the crazy and outrageous things we all said. While there were too many funny moments to list—and quite a few that are beyond even my abilities to describe—here are a few highlights from our trip:

Auntie Dude: How high do you have to be to figure out that smoking a bug’s ass will get you high? (on smoking scorpion tails)

Sparky: Oh, nothing beats Tina Tiny-Brain taking a shit outside. She’s a new breed.
K: A “new breed”?
Sparky: Yeah, a new breed of inbred.

Auntie Dude: I have a [female] friend who can pee in a water bottle.

Sparky: I’ll spider monkey your ass, man.

Sparky: I was sitting in this spinney chair, and all of a sudden I “Exorcist” straight across the room. (on being drunk)

K: No, they’re not dead. Dead people don’t bend that way. Well, live people aren’t supposed to bend that way either, but that’s beside the point.

Sparky: How did she figure out she could do that? Did she try to shove her own head up her ass, do it, and go “I have talent!”? (on Cirque du Soleil Kooza contortionists)

Auntie Dude: You’re not hungry. I saw what you put away. I call bullshit.
Liz: It’s not bingo.

K: *poke* There—now you have a sore ass muscle.

Sparky: It’s like scratching a dog—my leg’s gonna start going ne-ne-ne-ne.

Sparky: Oh, so I’m not going crazy.
K: -er.

Sparky: (to Liz) I’m not going to stab you, little one. If I was going to stab you I would’ve done it a long time ago.

K: My sneeze is not cute!
Sparky: Yes it is.
K: No it’s not!
Sparky: I sneeze and it’s this bug hurzah-hunh-hnh and snot rockets fly everywhere.
K: . . . *dies*

I think this goes without saying, but as we live in a world of rampant asshattery, please allow me to state for the record: this is my intellectual property. As such, please do not copy, circulate, edit, alter, take credit for, or otherwise appropriate this material without my express permission. Thank you.

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