I came to a very startling realization the other day—there are scads of opinions and rules and how-to manuals for how to be a Real Woman (ex: “Real Women have curves,” and “Real Women wear dresses”). However, this leaves a very real segment of the population to flounder alone and unguided in the dark. So, for all those who have been neglected until now, I present Rules for being a Fake Woman:

1. Shave your head (And your eyebrows, while you’re at it)
2. Replace defective body parts with Barbie parts
3. Eat dessert with every meal
4. Roast marshmallows over a bonfire of parenting books/guides
5. Don’t own a uterus (If you are accidentally in possession of one, please return to the nearest customer service department near you)
6. Feel all the feels (because cheerleader perma-smiles are annoying)
7. Smell bad—fart, belch, piss, sweat, shit, have at it!
8. Live with the male species platonically (friends, fathers, and brothers are typically good for this)
9. Swear—loudly, creatively, often, and at great length
10. When hunting sheeple, reveal advanced intellect when least expected to fully utilize element of surprise

I think this goes without saying, but as we live in a world of rampant asshattery, please allow me to state for the record: this is my intellectual property. As such, please do not copy, circulate, edit, alter, take credit for, or otherwise appropriate this material without my express permission. Thank you.

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