There is a moment of choice; a moment of terror and freedom and exhilaration and release and near-crippling uncertainty. This is a moment that I experience often. One that I choose to keep experiencing.
It is the moment before I hit the button. That cute little button that says “publish”.
Because while everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, free of judgement (no, this does not apply to serial killers and other equally sick fucks who get off on hurting people and destroying lives), once your thoughts are set free, judgement follows. I am responsible for every word I write, and every syllable that escapes my lips. I am responsible for the ideas that I set free. There is the possibility that I will inspire someone; or perhaps I will challenge another’s beliefs and assumptions. Perhaps I will offend someone. Maybe that someone will decide that they never want to hear my voice or read my words ever again.
None of those outcomes are what cause That Moment. No, That Moment happens because I know that with every revelation of myself, with every word I send forth that cannot be recalled, I become vulnerable. The offended and spurned, the rejected and spiteful, those so full of hatred that it spills from their very pores all have a rather nasty habit of lashing out in personal attacks. And while I know that such attacks from these individuals don’t matter, I cannot, in full honesty, say that they never hurt. Sometimes, comments such as these do hit their mark. And while I will not let those people and their words stop me from setting my words free, from voicing my opinion and speaking my mind, it does make me pause.
And that pause, That Moment, is happening right now. I am sitting here, staring at that button with my hand hovering over the mouse, asking myself if I am brave enough to accept the risk and let others hear my thoughts and witness my experiences. Wondering if this will be the day when someone will lash out.
But in the end, That Moment is just that—a moment. One that passes as I choose to click that little blue button.
I think this goes without saying, but as we live in a world of rampant asshattery, please allow me to state for the record: this is my intellectual property. As such, please do not copy, circulate, edit, alter, take credit for, or otherwise appropriate this material without my express permission. Thank you.