So, I was contacted on [social networking site] yesterday by a man I will call The Great Shit. When he requested an online interview, I asked why, exactly, I was being contacted, and was invited to join The Family. I was told that many girls have tried and failed to enter The Family, that I was being asked specially to join, and was then handed the Ten Commandments of The Family.
- The Great Shit’s word is law. Hear and obey.
- Thou shalt be loyal first and foremost to The Family. Be willing to prove thy loyalty.
- Thy service to The Great Shit is thy primary goal, and thou shalt strive towards it with utmost respect, deference, and submission to His will.
- Thou shalt not worship the false idols of Feminism, Equality, or Independence.
- Thou shalt entrust thy whole self to the hands of The Great Shit, without reservation or question. Ever.
- Thou shalt not speak to any member of The Family outside the supervision of The Great Shit.
- The Great Shit must know all and see all, that He may keep The Family safe, protected, and in line.
- Thou shalt not speak without permission.
- Thou shalt never speak freely unless thou art a Housewife, the exalted extension of The Great Shit; an honour bestowed only by the goodness and mercy of The Great Shit Himself.
- Thou shalt not give a flying monkey’s left nut for the rules of spelling, grammar, or syntax.
So, it was just your typical Monday: I did the dishes, talked to a few friends, caught up on my sleep, was invited to join a cyber-cult, and reminded Dad to put out the recycle bins.
Only me, I swear. And, in case anyone was wondering, I declined. I may not have used my Sunday manners whilst declining said invitation, however.
I think this goes without saying, but as we live in a world of rampant asshattery, please allow me to state for the record: this is my intellectual property. As such, please do not copy, circulate, edit, alter, take credit for, or otherwise appropriate this material without my express permission. Thank you.