- Try on borrowed sunglasses. Ask if I look like a bug with big, shiny eyes in said borrowed sunglasses—Done, and done! (Apparently I do not.)
- Try to locate civilization—and fail horribly. Check!
- Drink tea—without spilling it—while driving over barely-paved roads in search of civilization—victory was mine!
- Play bingo with your assigned number (135)—I want to know why all the old people went before me . . . I swear this game is rigged.
- Utilize the one useful skill learned at summer camp while waiting for the next round of winning numbers to be called—Yeah, I’ve still got it.
- Play musical chairs in four different rooms—Done!
- Quietly plot how to mindfuck friends and the general populace in between rounds of musical chairs—ha, ha, can’t wait to put those plans in action . . .
- Submit to torture at the hands of a sadistic, power-drunk senior citizen—Not my favourite part of today’s adventure, but check . . .
- Flummox said sadist when they realize that I am, in fact, wearing shoes—I liked that part better
- Blame computer SNAFUs on gremlins—Check!
- Do improv with my friend Alex so well that others think we’re pro—or should be (ha, ha, check!)
- Successfully fool a medical tech into thinking that they’re on Punk’d—the look on her face was hysterical!
- Try to lip-read while temporarily blind—Check!
- Respond to the question What’s wrong with your ___? with “I was born.”—Check!
- Respond to a stupid question with enough sarcasm to cause second-degree burns—They really ought to know better
- Tease Alex mercilessly when he nearly pukes at the needle going into my vein—Too easy.
- Sneak out from under the noses of an entire clinic of trained professionals—Yep! And then I sauntered casually to the getaway car . . .
- Express child-like delight when presented with a cookie—SQUEE! Ahem, I mean check!
- Pee in neon colours—Done!
. . . just a normal trip to the specialist clinic, really.
I think this goes without saying, but as we live in a world of rampant asshattery, please allow me to state for the record: this is my intellectual property. As such, please do not copy, circulate, edit, alter, take credit for, or otherwise appropriate this material without my express permission. Thank you.